What will it take to live as if I would not another day?
I did a lot of soul-searching during the last few months of 2014. I’ve began the new year with a much better sense of self, and that journey will go on.
This is not a ‘New Year, New Me’ confession. Finding myself has nothing to do with the change of numbers on a calendar. There is no ‘new me’… there is just me – same as always, just more aware of who I am.
I haven’t been blogging for many reasons. I wasn’t sure if I had anything to say anymore. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue making updates. Part of me feels ashamed for making the decision to close Surviving Azeroth. I feel like I let people down, even if in such a small way. I don’t believe an apology is owed. I shouldn’t have to apologize for doing something to better myself – and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing in my absence.
Bipolar was a misdiagnosis. I’ve been clinically diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. The diagnosis covers a wide range of issues I’ve been dealing with, such as obsessive compulsive disorder, chronic anxiety, suicidal ideation, self-harm, depression, and mild agoraphobia. For lack of a better explanation to help you understand: I’m emotionally sensitive to a degree that is severely affected by environmental factors.
“Everyone has this.” This was my first thought when my psychiatrist began explaining BPD to me. It took a couple of sessions with her, my therapist, and some reading material given to me by my therapist before I began to understand what this all meant. I’m still wrapping my mind around all of it; learning something new each session.
Between learning new coping mechanisms, medicine changes and the side-effects that come with them, and struggling to hold on to myself in a way that is required of me to survive, I feel like I’m running through a dense forest with no way out. The path keeps changing. The leaves keep turning. The trees grow closer and closer together. There are no birds; no sounds outside of my own heavy breath and panicked steps. This is how it feels, but I know better. I know there is a way out. I know the birds are there – I simply can not hear them over my own troubled thoughts. But… I know.
My hope lies in what I know to be true, not what I feel. Because feeling won’t get me out. Feeling is what put me there.
I know I can beat this.
I’m not going to make any promises to update my blog. I’ll update when I feel like it. I’ve been in the habit of force-unfollowing (blocking and unblocking to unfollow and be unfollowed) chronic negative tweeters on Twitter. I don’t have the will to deal with someone else’s spite, hypocritism, and/or self-destruction in my timeline – or my life for that matter. I need to surround myself with positivity and if that means losing friends over social media, so be it.
Admittedly, it feels good to update again. Maybe I’ll get around to that transmog post I’ve been wanting to make.
Love and Live,
Zuulzilla
This highway’s dark and empty.
Just miles and miles of endless road.
I’ve got a sickness pounding in my head.
I’m at the mercy of the ghost.
